Life challenges and mental health

As a recently diagnosed business owner, I am obviously down the rabbit hole of research on everything ADHD. The moment you search it on YouTube, the most common theme that will come up is "ADHD is a superpower". With the diagnosis comes a very intense phase of self reflection. For any woman who has been diagnosed in their adult life, they are not navigating just ADHD symptoms but also potentially symptoms of anxiety and depression. These other issues are the reasons women seek help leading up to their diagnosis. Many are in their 30s or 40s when the demands of children, work and home become overwhelming to the point of collapse. 

I worked in corporate for almost 10 years of my life and in some places I thrived and in some places I was succeeding whilst struggling to the point of burnout. But as I was in my 20s and driven by my hunger to thrive, I kept pushing through. I believed that to become good at what you do, some level of hustle and burnout was necessary. I never imagined that the chronic stress that came with this hustle coupled with lack of coping mechanisms for stress and the demands of life would drive me to a state of total shutdown. 

In my moment of absolute self conviction and rose tinted glasses of love, marriage and entrepreurial spirit, I dove right in. I was naïve and ill prepared for the demands that would come with being newly married, moving countries whilst setting up a business for the first time. The chaos in my head was a constant and I struggled with it my whole life, with some moments of glimmers of light and excitement. And it was in this short period of glimmer that I decided to completely uproot my life. I never knew that this would start a full decade of absolute mess which would conclude with the diagnosis of ADHD just as I turned 40. 

Getting into business exposed my flaws, my self belief of "I can do anything" started to fade. I saw myself making mistakes, unable to follow through on business needs, trying to do everything myself, filling up for my staff when they were sick, buying groceries, managing home and work, it all became a never ending cycle of disappointment. With every wrong thing, the blame and the self criticism kept piling up. I felt that I could just throw money at the problem and the business would work, it would grow. But I was wrong. Very soon I had finished my savings, the business was stuck and I was burnt out. 

I was falling behind on bills, taxes, payments to vendors, the list was endless. I went from being able to manage everything to not being able to do anything right.  

My self esteem hit rock bottom, I became doubtful of my decisions, I felt incompetent. And then IVF and infertility came in to the mix. I resisted the conversation on having children because I never felt ready or competent enough for this job. Doing my first IVF cycle at the age of 34 really tipped the scales on my sanity. What followed was numerous cycles, miscarriages and years of hearing "sorry". The meaning of " not good enough" really takes a different shape in the world of infertility treatments. This was the final straw and my already fragile mental health collapsed to a point of absolute inaction. I believed that whatever I do now will not be enough, so what is the point. 

Through the chaos of Covid, its impact on life and livelihood, my business shut down completely in beginning of 2022. And I took the decision that I will also shut down for sometime, I had no energy for anything. But somewhere deep down, there was some courage and resilience left. And I used the last of it for my final attempt at having a child and what followed was a year or IVF cycles, miscarriages and absolute heartache. 

At my lowest and darkest, I got into therapy. I just needed someone to help me out of this ditch before I become convinced that there is no way out and it was time to check out for good. 

I look back now and I see the path that I walked on was necessary for me to learn about myself. Yes, I would have liked it to be easy, but nothing worth having in life comes to us easy. This belief in itself has formed in my head from the struggles I have had for almost everything growing up. Trying harder than others to get what I want to achieve. I wish to feel " everything comes to me with ease" but I am unable to, because the struggle with daily things feels so great. How do I let go and flow? 

ADHD brains are referred to as neurodivergent, then why are we constantly working to fit in to a world which is designed for the neurotypical way of life. Despite my challenges I am motivated to be successful. I don't have " flaws" anymore, I have a different set of strengths and weaknesses. I will focus on harnessing the natural strength and learning the right strategies to manage my weaknesses. The biggest of all I will learn to delegate, ask for help, check out of crap that doesn't interest me. If ADHD is a super power then I will find it and use it. If its not, then I will focus on finding ways to be happy and content. I don't aspire for greatness, I aspire for a peaceful existence, not on the outside but on the inside.